Fighting this paranoia

Dreams are your subconscious mind trying to tell you something. But what if it's too paranoid? Then you know that you now have to use your brain and intuition to fight that paranoia. Whatever happens in the past doesn't predict the future. You can still fight it today. If your life's not about fighting your own demons, then it's a life not worth living.

I woke up today with this weird dream that taps into the core of paranoia. I woke up today with the feeling of being afraid to start off a new relationship or friendship because of the bad experiences I had. I did not want to let the past cause so much of an impact on my life, but when it tackles my subconscious, now that's damn serious and I need to discuss this with myself to take down this paranoia demon.

So what I did was I told myself that I should not give in to this feeling. There are others who actually do appreciate who I am. I cannot control others who are not happy with the choices I make, but I can very well appreciate those who are happy for who I am.

Despite the cold exterior I portrayed in class, when I speak up in class it shows that I do know what I'm talking about. More often than not, I actually did corrections for the lecturer and made eye contact to further strengthen my conviction. And even when I didn't make any new friends in class yet, some of them do come up to me to ask about assignments - but only to have me walk away

Ok well I know I should not have done that but I was so lazy to make contacts in class! Maybe subconsciously, that was the start of the paranoia.

So alright. Next time in class (which is actually a week from now), I should talk more with classmates. Who knows I might find someone I actually like. And being the youngest in class is a bonus for me. I can act all dumb and innocent, with that wide-eyed enthusiasm bursting through my eyes. Haha.

Truth is, you can never know what the other person is going through. Maybe a smile and a 'hi' can brighten up his/her day. :) Be nice people. I should do the same too. :)

A Peek

It is kind of silly actually. When you read at what these people actually fight for. Don't they know they are the fabric of the society and whatever they weave in their lives make up the whole interconnected world they live in? But you can't really judge someone personally on account of their raw emotions and reactions. What you can actually do is connect these strings of facts thrown into your face in this huge Tantrix puzzle together.

Alternatively, you can be lazy and forget about it and live your life as you should. A friend of mine mentioned from her experience, that when you walk away from the the hands who wanted to put all the fights behind, you yourself will be the one nursing that guilt of not staying and questioning and answering all the what ifs in your head. I have done my part in this piece of puzzle. There is nothing else I can do but live on and prosper, InsyaAllah.

Three Generations Apart

This is me playing a Yamaha keyboard with my former band at Lepak Cafe.

This is my mum with her guitar in her 20s.

This is my grandmother in her 30s with Uda (who resembles Noah according to mum).

Reminiscing the ladies in the house and their history. Tears streamed down my face looking at arwah Atok's pictures. I will make my family proud one day. :)

Two Can Play That Game

T-Shirt, courtesy of Afiq. :P

He's soon to be in practical! Excited. :D

The cutest duo on earth! Hugs and kisses for both of them.

Work & study section of my room. A little desk at the corner.

I have been keeping myself busy. It's okay to glance back to see what you've been tripping on. Thankfully, I didn't fall flat on my face, regained my balance and I'm walking again. No limping or crawling. I'm back on my feet. I may be clumsy but I know how to bounce back. Thank you for the opportunity you have given me to grow stronger.

Tutup Cerita Lama; New Chapter Begins Now

Performing on stage - one of my favourite past time.

I think this picture is by far the coolest for me. :)

Layan lagu epic ni dulu. :)

Do I Set This Stick Bridge on Fire?

It's like saying, hey I know I hate you and I don't want to see you ever again so I did everything in my power to make sure you're not within my reach of acknowledgement without my consent so I deleted you off from all the reachable social network sites that may have you pop out in the 'newsfeed' or made you easily accessible through its search bar and I think I must've deleted your number and your memory off my mind as well because I forgot that you have a condition that will make you depressed and have this recurring disease to break out when you are at your lowest point because your immune system is weak and you know what I really don't care because you don't matter to me BUT STILL, I want you to know what's up with me so I made sure you can see what is in my mind by having at least one person in our mutual friend list that I know you can rely on to read me and to see that I'm fine without you in my life.

Wow. How twisted is this?

What in the world were you trying to prove? That you are always right? That everything must be in your way? That I cannot have a life? That I shouldn't be happy? That some things can never change and improve? That I suck and you're awesome?

Come on. Life is not about you or me. Think for a moment. Everyone is fighting something. I may not look like I have no problem with whatever, but I'm always fighting. Some are fighting for their dear life, some are fighting for the family, some are fighting for their friendship etc etc. I am fighting as well for some of the reasons above and many more. Why must you make it so difficult by burning the bridge that we so carefully built over the years? Do you really think the foundation is built with only stick and stones? What about the kindness and love cemented through the problems and happiness shared?

While I was driving with my dad, he noticed that the sound of the engine is a bit higher than usual. My dad asked me if I can have an opportunity to ride a friend's myvi sooner or later to compare that sound. Frankly, I said to him, I don't think I'll ever have that opportunity anymore because I don't have a friend who rides a myvi. She's gone, together with him. Him definitely because he literally tried to delete me off. And my dad was surprised. He mentioned something about the financials he had to cover from a former misadventure I had with him which I have long forgotten, and for that, other parts of financial or emotional constraints I had were reminded. It is a mystery why I can accept him as he is after all these times; and all the while I kept myself quiet to keep the peace and yet he couldn't accept me for the way I am. Sigh. What to do, I don't matter anymore.

Even though I am the sacrificial lamb, I want you to be happy and I don't want to hold you back from whatever you're doing. I wish you the best in life for whatever is going to happen. Today is your day. Tomorrow is another day for me to conquer. I will pull myself together.

Before I do this, I apologize for all the wrongdoings, the misconceptions, the backbiting, the gossiping that I may have done intentionally and unintentionally with or without you. So here I am with a lighter in my hand, ready to set this stick bridge on fire... Goodbye friend.

So Here Goes a New Chapter In My Life!

My gap year (which is actually more than one year of gap) from studies is coming to an end. Soon I'll be embarking on a new challenge. This is me against myself - discipline for time management and resisting temptations to stray from my future goal. What this means if in 4 months I can keep up and cope, I'll be up on another plane of existence InsyaAllah!

So, you see, it doesn't mean that when I am deleted from existence, I am wiped out from growing and becoming more than I could. It is unfortunate though, I miss these certain people. :( But hey whatever, I read this from one of the blogs in my list :

"Being dumped is actually the best motivation to help push you to succeed in life"

Nice... It's like he was in my head momentarily when I read that. Thanks! :P

In this 4 months, what else can I do for some pocket money? :)

Shall start looking for a part time job.

All I can say is

:P :P :P :P :P :P

Sometimes narcissism can get out of hand. Anyway, I tried a little bit of something out of the box. Got myself out there in the real world where people actually judge you by how you look, walk, and talk and you know what, it was fun. It was definitely an eye opener and I got a different kind of perspective. I might try again in the future who knows - if I have the time. All I can say is, insyaAllah, in God's will. Amin. :)

Displine

I really need to follow this timetable to make full use of my off days.

9-11 Physics

11-12 Lunch

12-2 Maths

2-3 Research on piloting and aircrafts

3-4 IQ test online

Break!

Soon to add: Mandarin classes

I'm going back to 'school' people! So excited to start tomorrow.

What Goes On Here

A lot of stuff in my head at the moment.

Apart from all of that, I need to write a letter to decline the offer from Cardiff because I can't go there now especially since I don't have the much needed fundings to support myself there. :( Just for good measure, I'll write a thank you note at the end of it for considering me.

It has been a productive day today. :)

Long Way To Go

I'm reminiscing the time when I first saw the Guy. :) He was singing a reggae piece at a mutual friend's barbecue. Funny thing is, I was the keyboardist of the band that time and I didn't even know his name. Haha. My involvement with that side of the circle has benefited me some experience in music, friendship, and brotherhood. I didn't realize that the Guy had his eyes on me long before that barbecue. Added me up on facebook but typically me, decided to ignore people I don't recognize unless their mutual friends are above 10 people. It was only after about 6 months rotting in the long list of friend request that I finally approved of The Guy! Haha.

He was ending a relationship with his long time girlfriend, I was struggling to end a relationship with an emotionally abusive working partner. The timing was perfect, like God has intended each of us to have our hearts broken and toughen up, I decided to break the habit and came open with the concept of nobody's gonna look out for myself but me. Took a leap of faith and I opened up to him as honest as I can be. No more hiding, no more lies. As honest as I am to him, to my surprise and pleasure, he did the same too. He told me of his downfall in the past, revelation and comeback, and we found ourselves pleased to find that we're both looking for the same thing - something solid from the start. And with no masks on, we proceed and pledged to be as we are today.

Even though I wanted to be strongest as I can be, there will always be a soft side in me that can break down when it comes to what really matters. And though I struggle to understand why - besides how he has accepted me as I am - my flaws, my weaknesses, my past - I just love him so and hope for this to go on for a very very very long time. :')

Good night readers!

Alhamdulillah

Our very own homebred Malaysian music. More of this please!

It's So Loud Inside My Head With Words That I Should Have Said

Listen to the lyrics by the rapper.

I wonder how far he can go. Sounds promising, but can he keep up with all the pressure?

A Moment to Ponder

It's hard enough now. Imagine how it'll be like for our kids. Education. Social stigma. Jobs. Back then, the environment teaches the young ones. People help each other, advice when things are not right, support when there is a need for support. Now, the corrupted media confines us in our bedroom. Makes us ever more fearful of everything else outside. The world doesn't revolve in your bedroom or the confinements of your own house. Go out and enjoy the sun, rejoice the beauty God has created for you outside. Perish depression. Back then love makes you uneasy - now love makes you do stupid things. Babies in dumpsters, STDs, HIV, sex slaves, wife beaters - are just a few. Where is your faith in God and your understanding. You are no Muslim/Christian/Jew, you're named like one, but you are not, animals. God save us all.

It's hard enough now. Imagine how it'll be like for our kids. :'(

Moving On To The Next Step

It's those little things that makes you reflect and say "Wow, I've done a lot back then."

I did quite a few odd jobs before I even started thinking of having a career. Along the way I found and grew up to my own way and my own path. My taste in relationships - lovers and friends - have been tried and tested as well throughout the years in my secondary school towards the end of my college years.

With so many misadventures, twists, headaches and heartaches, I found that I had to experience all of that anyway to finally put my feet on the ground and stand up for what is right for myself and the values that can instil more respect, trust and love towards the people I love and towards myself.

My mom pointed out a paragraph in a Yahoo article this morning of one of my favourite female icons, Michelle Obama:

Advice for women on relationships with spouses and with each other: "Do not bring people in your life who weigh you down. And trust your instincts ... good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don't hurt. They're not painful. That's not just with somebody you want to marry, but it's with the friends that you choose. It's with the people you surround yourselves with. And that's just as important as the school that you choose. Who's in your life, and do you respect them, and do they respect you? And are you respecting them. Right?

"And we as women in particular—and this is such an important message—starting today, you all have to be supportive of each other. You can't be jealous, and push and trip, you know? It's hard enough."

And I couldn't agree more. For the past few years, my influence towards the people I know differ very much from one another - you'll never really know a person until you live with them and go through the hunger, the lack of sleep and the dirt together. What I thought as a sign of respect, ended up as a fuel for some unknown hate and anger; but for others, it feels nice to see each other after a long break. You see things like this happens in life and fortunately, it's not the end of my life.

Letting it go bit by bit. Occasional tears might well up but at the end of it, I've had pretty good times indeed.

Thriving to be different and to start moving on, I think this time around I'm making one of those choices that will change my life forever - and I'm ready to commit to that.

I'd rather be ridiculously impossible anyways.

Ever tried Googling your name with quotes on? You'd be surprised. ;)

My mum always say never put stuff online especially when you have bad things to say about someone/something. Why? Because putting quotes on restricts google results to only that particular phrase and not those words separately. I mention this because I found some entries about me in the past that I didn't know of. Somewhat unpleasant, and not really nice to know of, but I realize I was a prick, sorry about that - I was growing up and still very immature. That is why I am eternally grateful to have you guys accept me again - with a respectful distance that I like. :)

So my advice is, never put your full name or anybody's full name! Unless you want that person to be forever stamped within the spiders in the world wide web as the evil bad witch you write about, then I rest my case.

And of course, because I love journalling and writing down things when I don't have people to talk to - equivalent to a crazy lady monologuing, that is why I update my Twitter a bit too much to the point that I don't need Facebook.

Sometimes there is a little privacy breach going on there that can affect my relationship with people I care about. Sometimes, looking at pictures of my friends can make me smile, but sometimes, it takes away a little bit of happiness because I wasn't around :(

So the end result is - deactivation. Saves the trouble. If I miss them, I'll text/call/read about them in their personal blog - back to basics!

It's a little bit funny. This feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide - Elton John

Much like an antidote for depression and loneliness, and severe detachment from the social world in real life, this blogging and tweeting habit. What happens next? I have no idea. I tried Experience Project for a while last year, didn't make it quite a habit because there I find many online friends, but not friends I have personally met.

So here we go. Life goes on. :)

Atah's Secret Garden

I like this flower particularly because of the little flower bud next to that blooming flower. So pretty. And it doesn't take much to look so pretty.

There are times in high school where I believed that there were fairies in the garden, and little pixies dancing and hopping on the pebble stones.

I believe this is my grandma's mantra for keeping up with the garden 24/7. Some people drink, some people go to the gym, some people smoke, my grandma takes up gardening to release tension.

There are so many antiques and trinkets, my sister says the garden is like our personal Disneyland. You will always be pleasantly surprised with the little rabbits, snails, and birds hidden somewhere in between the containers.

Meet Phoebe, the opportunistic feline of the house, just waiting for that one moment you glance away from the opened door to bolt out and enjoy the outdoors.

Those Sharks should be Left Starving Out There! Arrr!

I did put on a little weight. So what did I do? I've been at home, eating, resting, recuperating, loving, sleeping, and also, I've been working of course. Time is not to be wasted on the unknown. You can get your head crazy thinking of all of the 'what ifs' questions.

I've been scouting around for paths to take. What should I take, should I continue management studies, should I take on a new subject - engineering or IT perhaps, or should I create an analysis of the current market trends against my wants and needs. It all comes down to this: money - fun - compliance towards religion - life partner - family - money. Notice money is mentioned twice? For now, it is still up for debate. Maybe I might try to apply for cadet, and work my way to settle one thing at a time. With money, I can get what I want easier. That's the only thing bothering me now. I can't help others when I can't help myself. Not that that's all I'm thinking now, but it helps. Been spoilt with having enough, I'd like to have enough for myself as well and return what was given to me by my parents one day. :)

And with him around, things never get old. :D

The car is still in the workshop. That ignorant juvenile with no driving license smashed my bonnet, bumpers and left door. Useless foreman didn't do much of anything but dragged me into that workshop and gave empty promises. Lesson of this accident - never trust those foreman sharks just waiting to get their hands on car accidents. They're only there to drag you into their workshop, get their commission and poof, disappear when there's insurance claims problems. So inconvenient.

Soon I will get back to college and settle that 1.5 years old problem - I still haven't gotten my certificate! Damn it I hate it when I have to travel all the way there! >:(

Wish me luck.

Loves.

I Speak On Behalf of My Comrades

From: <complaintlogs3@gmail.com>;
Date: Wed, May 18, 2011 at 12:43 PM
Subject: Reference No: 20110518C11153 - Feedback ON MANAGEMENT - xxxxxx (IC No. :xxxxxxxxx) - xxxxxxx
To: janetwooi@legendagroup.edu.my, xxxxxxx@gmail.com


Dear xxxxxx,

Thank you for submitting your feedback to Legenda Education Group

Reference No : 20110518C11153
Description : To whoever who is holding back my HND Business Certificate,

I am a January 2010 graduate and I still have not received my HND Business certificate.

MARA has recently mailed me the first late payment notice on my doorstep earlier this month. Eventhough I have made the initiative to have my transcript and letter of completed studies certified true by a high ranking government officer, I still couldn''t manage to get MARA to release my loan to convert to scholarship.

I have earned an exemplary 3.88 CGPA and also one of your Outstanding Student (as mentioned in the HND convocation announcement in 2010) which should allow me to convert my MARA loan to scholarship, but could not do so because of the HND certificate that is still held back.

Formerly I would prefer to call and go all the way to the HEP office to file a complaint and request for assistance in this matter but it seems that my matter has fallen on some deaf ears because I have not filed a proper black and white complaint.

As the college has helped progress my education in the past years, I wish that this matter does not change my good feelings towards the college to merely lukewarm.

Please relieve this humble request yet again to release my certificate soonest possible so that I can further my scholarly journey with a peace of mind.

Thank you in advance.



Preferable Time to Rectify.. 1. , 2. ,
We will get back to you as soon as possible. When the representative updates your case online, you will receive email notification that includes a hyperlink to your case so that you can view this update at your convenience. You may also check the progress base on the Reference No in this URL:http://fits.legenda2u.my/complaintStatus_search.aspx

Your case will be handled by janetwooi@legendagroup.edu.my,drkamis@legendagroup.edu.my,shum@legendagroup.edu.my

Best regards,

The Online Feedback Team

Note: So far, no updates yet.

The Fine Line Between These Two Worlds

I woke up today with the melodic voice of the Bilal who calls for Zuhr prayer. Missed yet another Subuh prayer. Bad habits die hard.

I see what is going on right now. The process of simplifying one's life is to remove problems from recurring. The easiest way to do that is to have spring cleaning of your life - remove bad relationship, remove pricks and thorns of a relationship, remove the whole person altogether.

I am very sorry for being a bad friend - what it means to me is beyond me because if you are friend, you are a friend - there is no good or bad, you are friend because I like you and you like me and that's all it is. Pretty simple and innocent but that is how I simplify things in my life.

Recently I talked to my favourite guy about this, and he said why do I always say all the nice things about her to him and not to her. Well, it's an instant reaction of the situation. It's a bad habit of mine to retaliate and fight back when something is hurting me. I told him that I felt like losing a sister, a mother, a child. What it means to me is that this lost, this anger and hurt that I portray lately, is part of my grieving process to accept and forgive that she chooses to no longer have me in her life - to completely delete me off and pretend that I never exists.

I may look like a cold hearted person with no feelings and emotions, but when I get attacked like this, I breakdown and looked for all of the reasons for this to happen. And finally I found it. It has been my fault - from the start, it has always been my fault. I simplify things too much that I overlooked the errors of my ways. If I needed someone, I looked for her because I know she will be there for me - that is how she expects me to reciprocate? But if she needed me, where was I? How was I to know if she needed me if I wasn't always around? How was I to ever know when I am replaced anyways? The gaps were not filled but that doesn't mean I didn't care. No this is not a pointing blame game. I've had enough of all that recently. You made your choice and you stuck to it and I respect that.

It was a total meltdown last night, which I promised to myself will be the last that I'd do for her. I will look at the brighter side of my life - the other sisters, mothers and innocent children in others who are willing to accept me for who I am, despite my flaw of not being a good friend - which is also beyond my life dictionary.

This is all, I love you still, and I will forever remember and cherish the good memories we had. I am sorry I cannot change my flaw. Thank you for putting up with me all this while.