The Fine Line Between These Two Worlds

I woke up today with the melodic voice of the Bilal who calls for Zuhr prayer. Missed yet another Subuh prayer. Bad habits die hard.

I see what is going on right now. The process of simplifying one's life is to remove problems from recurring. The easiest way to do that is to have spring cleaning of your life - remove bad relationship, remove pricks and thorns of a relationship, remove the whole person altogether.

I am very sorry for being a bad friend - what it means to me is beyond me because if you are friend, you are a friend - there is no good or bad, you are friend because I like you and you like me and that's all it is. Pretty simple and innocent but that is how I simplify things in my life.

Recently I talked to my favourite guy about this, and he said why do I always say all the nice things about her to him and not to her. Well, it's an instant reaction of the situation. It's a bad habit of mine to retaliate and fight back when something is hurting me. I told him that I felt like losing a sister, a mother, a child. What it means to me is that this lost, this anger and hurt that I portray lately, is part of my grieving process to accept and forgive that she chooses to no longer have me in her life - to completely delete me off and pretend that I never exists.

I may look like a cold hearted person with no feelings and emotions, but when I get attacked like this, I breakdown and looked for all of the reasons for this to happen. And finally I found it. It has been my fault - from the start, it has always been my fault. I simplify things too much that I overlooked the errors of my ways. If I needed someone, I looked for her because I know she will be there for me - that is how she expects me to reciprocate? But if she needed me, where was I? How was I to know if she needed me if I wasn't always around? How was I to ever know when I am replaced anyways? The gaps were not filled but that doesn't mean I didn't care. No this is not a pointing blame game. I've had enough of all that recently. You made your choice and you stuck to it and I respect that.

It was a total meltdown last night, which I promised to myself will be the last that I'd do for her. I will look at the brighter side of my life - the other sisters, mothers and innocent children in others who are willing to accept me for who I am, despite my flaw of not being a good friend - which is also beyond my life dictionary.

This is all, I love you still, and I will forever remember and cherish the good memories we had. I am sorry I cannot change my flaw. Thank you for putting up with me all this while.