Liberated

The most liberating feeling ever is when you say out loud what you've kept inside from the very person you want to vent to. I feel liberated and free. There I said it, the cat's out of the bag they say, and you got speechless. I know you never knew it'll come, but it did. Do I feel bad and sad about it? Sure. But will I get over it? Yes I will. Just like you will too. However it'll go, the accumulated memories will forever be there and I'll cherish the good so that you are forever in good light for me. :) It's just a matter of time we let go and move on from the past to what the future demands us to be present. Dear God, guide us and protect us from harm here and the hereafter. Amin.

Dealing with Difficult People Takes Time and Practice

Monsters are everywhere, seriously.

Here Is A Reply For You

Recently I had good conversations with people around me and they make me realize that I am very blessed. Even though there are pitfalls somewhere along the line, but each and everyone of us has a story to tell. No struggles, no story, that's not life.

Write A List For The Heart, and Another For Logic

Growing up is not easy, children!

Bitch, Shut Up Already

Once Bitten Twice Shy

Sadness goes away gradually. When you think it's gone and you feel on top of the world for not shedding a single tear, that's when your brain pick up memories from the past, and let you remember, the feeling and emotions that you so loved to feel back then and how you so hate to have them now.

Wish they've invented brain washing pills. I so want to forget! Sigh.

Pre-Monday blues,

Sunday's for snooze,

Time will fly by,

And so will I.

I Love Christmas because...

1. There are creative nice cards

2. There are nice christmasy songs

3. It reminds me of family & loved ones gatherings

Merry Christmas to all my Christian friends.

I've Made My Decision

Better to have hope (and be optimistic) than to rest in despair and depression. Let's hope for the best.

XOXO

Escapade

So here I am, sitting solo in the hotel restaurant; the vacation mood is sinking in.. But at the back of my head I dread the thought of going back to my hometown. 300 for a night stay here; pretty pricey considering the downturn of the company recently. But it does not matter. I have promised to stay and I will, I won't leave the company in ruins especially when it has helped me elevate my status.

My emotional wellbeing will recover. I will be strong, stronger than you expect me to be. So where do I go now? Should I head the big city KL and stay the night at a backpacker's inn for a change? Or shall I go south and explore there and sleep in the car? Decisions decisions... The main purpose of this solo escapade is to get my mind to settle on the thought that I am possibly going to end up a rich and lonely heiress.

Where is the glow in my face? I want it back..... :(

Not Okay

So difficult to trust anyone these days...
Just when I thought it's okay to bring those walls down...

Not Happy With This

What do you do when two stories don't add up?

Where's Your Telephone Etiquette, Girl?

If you want to talk about something serious, ASK if it's a convenient time for me to engage in a conversation with you at the time because if you straight away accuse me of something, I might blow up and I won't want to help you in anyway. It's even worst when you are totally out of my priority list of people I want to talk to, and the subject you are talking about doesn't concern me AT ALL and on top of that I was feeling very hungry and tired, and I was totally in a middle of MY DINNER. You annoyed me! Whatever problems you are facing between you and your cheating boyfriend is not my concern because it's obvious that you need to work something out between the both of you, without my intervention. I have not been in contact with him because I know how it hurts to be on the other side, your boyfriend's trying to two-time you WITH ME like wth. And guess what, HE FAILED. I've no time for this nonsense. Anyway, it's okay, once you feel like apologizing, know that I have forgiven you long before you do.

Happy Birthday Nina!

I love you little sis. Take care, seriously!

Survival

I listed a bunch of reasons why I'm not happy with myself, and slowly shred the paper into tiny pieces, imagined that I'm digesting the reasons and turning them into goodwill to change. And when I'm done, I cleaned myself up, said my prayers, and drove back home to where I belong. Hello world, here comes the sun.

Helloooooo it's like 2011 soon!!!

About three or four years back during Raya at my grandmother's house (father's side), we were all sitting at the dining table eating rendang with pulut. My grandmother asked me if I knew how to cook any traditional Malay food, at least how to cook rice. I'd answer truthfully, but I was very ashamed with the answer that spewed out of my mouth.

Nowadays however, I answered confidently that I don't find the big deal out of knowing to cook or not knowing how to cook. In college, it'd always be my girlfriends who do the cooking. I'll be the one loaded with junk food and semi-processed food in my locker, just ready for me to mix and match easily, no need to hassle with all the preparations and cutting and chopping and waiting. I'll be the one sleeping like a king in my secret chambers while my cooks (my gfs really) come out with a variety of gulai and lauk to eat with rice when I wake up.

And then years after that, I got myself working as a barista at a local coffee shop and I learnt a little bit of preparing delicious sandwiches (and i only knew then that dill goes best with salmon and that BLT sandwich is actually very dry) and how to concoct coffee potions for my regulars and find myself thrilled when my regulars loved what I did for them (sometimes out of my supervisor's knowledge, I'd add extra choco beans or cherries for Blackforest Blended) It was fun, really fun.

Now that I am mostly home, I could've spent some time learning how to cook my mum's delicacy - the gulai lemak daging salai negeri sembilan. But to think of it, nah, I've gotten wisdom from my bonda herself that "There's no point learning how to cook now if what you cook's just gonna be criticised by your future husband! So take time and learn how to cook from your future husband, that way you'll always always alwaayyyss cook your husband's favourite!" Way to go Mama! :D

My circadian rhythm's still fucked. I'm so sleepy now and it's only 3PM! I think it's the swimming... Hmm.

O+H+EY= Facial Mask #1

The whole facial mask thing is really experimental. I have two times worth of facial paste now. If I don't keep it in the fridge I think I'd bake it. The whole ingredient to make it is oh so delicious! Yummmmmyyyy..

Wake Up Sunshine

My personal treasury is not all stellar lately. Instead of fussing over it, I will redirect my concern towards my health and skincare. I am looking forward to go swimming and treat myself for a home spa! :D I heard that people get most creative when they are hungry for something. Oh this is one of those moments!

Swimmer

The farthest I have traveled alone is to Penang. That time I didn't have a car yet, but even so, I managed. If I had continued my studies, I guess that fact would change. But no matter, dreams can be stalled. Mind you I don't let go of what I want, it's just delayed. Instant gratification often comes to those who are not deserving. For now, I'm more of a homebody, slothing my way around in this house, watching my cats play around, bullying Phoebe my very talkative cat until she misses me when I don't. But today I will do something different. I'm going to go swimming! It's about time I get these long legs out for a little exercise.

The Headlights Dims And Fades Slowly As The Battery Dies Out

"If I was a man just for a day.

I'd take my time on you.

That's what a man would do.

And once I had my way, I'll get up get up and walk away.

I'll get to know your family

I'll make your friends fall in love with me

Just happens all so easily. EASILY!

I'll have you think that I'm the one.

You'll play your part I'll play along.

We can have a lot of fun.

Until I'm done."

-PCD If I Were a Man

Facts acknowledged. Filed in but ignored. Will go through processing and brain registration later. That's what a girl would do!

Hibernating

I have been in hibernating mode for quite some time. Went M.I.A, and AWOL countless of times; dropping myself out from any kind of social radar. And I'm not sorry for it. I need my time alone. Physio and psychological metamorphosis is in process.

Confession 1

I have decided.

I am not going to further my studies until I am financially stable WITHOUT relying and depending on scholarships.

And I mean it.

When I don't have money, I had to be creative to the extend of using my piggie bank coins, seriously! Just because I don't want to ask money from my dad. So dad, I'm sorry, but scholarships fucked me upside down, wasted alot of our resources and where does that all lead us to? It led me to disappointment. And I'm sure you would understand why I'm doing this.

Slowly, but surely....

Don't Wanna Bare It All Out; It's Cold and Cruel Out There

Roger is up on a platform and talks for an hour or so at a stretch. The gist is that humans tend to collapse what happened in their past with the story that they tell about what happened in the past. Forgive and forget; if you cling to your “story” that your father was a mean drunk who beat you, you’ll get trapped in that word-picture, and never open up any possibility in your life.

In delivering this message, Roger raises weighty questions and makes lots of challenging literary references, but everything important is said twice (everything important is said twice). It’s like he’s talking to a Nobel-winning cat. He wants conflicts recounted as “I said ‘— — ’ and then she said ‘ — — ’ ”

If you tell him, “My boss was surly and unpleasant,” Roger will say: “No, she wasn’t surly and unpleasant. What did she say?” This is grueling to watch, though it leads to some breakthroughs; the exercise’s humiliation/approbation axis is highly reminiscent of “Antiques Roadshow.” Once the conflict has been limned, the sharer is encouraged, regardless of his antagonist’s malfeasance, to forgive or apologize to that antagonist — a fact that caused one of my classmates, hilariously, to raise her hand at one point to ask, “Is the other person ever wrong?”

source: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/28/fashion/28Landmark.html?pagewanted=2&ref=fashion

In my story, I'm the protagonist, and someone must have wronged me somehow right? But from the antagonist's point of view, I'm the bad apple here, so under the same matter above, I would like to say thanks? Whatever it is, the real culprit for this ongoing feud is the silent one who planned (or unplanned?) everything out since day one. But that's a long dying story I do not want to meddle with. I have to deal with the aftermath of the emotional war until I die, seriously no kidding, and thank you very much it was a crushing blow to my face when I found out the consequence of what happened years ago is back to haunt me. Anyhow, they are like cruel kids who ostracize the freak in school, that's exactly how I felt since day one. I have to forgive these cruel unloved kids so that I can move on. And I will. I forgive you all for not having the attention and tender loving care in your early childhood that led you to this. I forgive you, bastards, bitches, scumbags and jerks. I forgive you all. It's been a lovely ride in hell thank you very much. And for those bitches who have been so shameless to get to know me again, and those jerks who want to 'keep in touch' in multifaceted ways of communication after the hell I have to go through in my college and post-college days, I would like to say, don't. There's no reason for that mess. I don't know you, and you don't know me anymore.

On another note, don't be surprised if you get a sudden call/message/text/email from me after a long while of absence and forgive me if I'm terribly annoying like a bobble head poking punching pissing you off for no reason. There's something that I wanted to say, but I just couldn't say it, saving it for neverland. I don't want to jinx it. Don't want to bare it all out there in the open, it might catch something else.

Break

Body clock's changing recently. Two days back I've been a nocturnal creature, sleeping just before dawn. Today I wake up an hour earlier than usual. Vitals checked. Pressure's down. Abnormal symptoms are absent. I think it's all in the mind. It's all in the mind. Never skipped breakfast since last month. It helps. This is how I manage myself without intervention. Quite proud of myself. :) I need to sort something out then I'll be even more pressure-free. A little birdie told me something funny. Humor me some more please? :D