Moving!

I moved to a blogging engine with a friendlier interface for my mobile phone - blackholestomach.tumblr.com. Much love and peace out! Have a good Ramadhan. Drink plenty of water. Grab this opportunity to do as many good as you can. Repent past behaviours. And start over from today onwards till the next Ramadhan. Make this as the moment for your 'new year resolution'. InsyaAllah Allah will guide you for He guides those who are patient and who looks for Him. Amin. :)

P.s. Life's good. Just need to reorganize my messy room. Been a bit occupied with study commitments and band practices. :)

Layan jap this song. It always gives me goosebumps at the end near the climax of the song when she screams with tears.

Fighting this paranoia

Dreams are your subconscious mind trying to tell you something. But what if it's too paranoid? Then you know that you now have to use your brain and intuition to fight that paranoia. Whatever happens in the past doesn't predict the future. You can still fight it today. If your life's not about fighting your own demons, then it's a life not worth living.

I woke up today with this weird dream that taps into the core of paranoia. I woke up today with the feeling of being afraid to start off a new relationship or friendship because of the bad experiences I had. I did not want to let the past cause so much of an impact on my life, but when it tackles my subconscious, now that's damn serious and I need to discuss this with myself to take down this paranoia demon.

So what I did was I told myself that I should not give in to this feeling. There are others who actually do appreciate who I am. I cannot control others who are not happy with the choices I make, but I can very well appreciate those who are happy for who I am.

Despite the cold exterior I portrayed in class, when I speak up in class it shows that I do know what I'm talking about. More often than not, I actually did corrections for the lecturer and made eye contact to further strengthen my conviction. And even when I didn't make any new friends in class yet, some of them do come up to me to ask about assignments - but only to have me walk away

Ok well I know I should not have done that but I was so lazy to make contacts in class! Maybe subconsciously, that was the start of the paranoia.

So alright. Next time in class (which is actually a week from now), I should talk more with classmates. Who knows I might find someone I actually like. And being the youngest in class is a bonus for me. I can act all dumb and innocent, with that wide-eyed enthusiasm bursting through my eyes. Haha.

Truth is, you can never know what the other person is going through. Maybe a smile and a 'hi' can brighten up his/her day. :) Be nice people. I should do the same too. :)

A Peek

It is kind of silly actually. When you read at what these people actually fight for. Don't they know they are the fabric of the society and whatever they weave in their lives make up the whole interconnected world they live in? But you can't really judge someone personally on account of their raw emotions and reactions. What you can actually do is connect these strings of facts thrown into your face in this huge Tantrix puzzle together.

Alternatively, you can be lazy and forget about it and live your life as you should. A friend of mine mentioned from her experience, that when you walk away from the the hands who wanted to put all the fights behind, you yourself will be the one nursing that guilt of not staying and questioning and answering all the what ifs in your head. I have done my part in this piece of puzzle. There is nothing else I can do but live on and prosper, InsyaAllah.

Three Generations Apart

This is me playing a Yamaha keyboard with my former band at Lepak Cafe.

This is my mum with her guitar in her 20s.

This is my grandmother in her 30s with Uda (who resembles Noah according to mum).

Reminiscing the ladies in the house and their history. Tears streamed down my face looking at arwah Atok's pictures. I will make my family proud one day. :)

Two Can Play That Game

T-Shirt, courtesy of Afiq. :P

He's soon to be in practical! Excited. :D

The cutest duo on earth! Hugs and kisses for both of them.

Work & study section of my room. A little desk at the corner.

I have been keeping myself busy. It's okay to glance back to see what you've been tripping on. Thankfully, I didn't fall flat on my face, regained my balance and I'm walking again. No limping or crawling. I'm back on my feet. I may be clumsy but I know how to bounce back. Thank you for the opportunity you have given me to grow stronger.

Tutup Cerita Lama; New Chapter Begins Now

Performing on stage - one of my favourite past time.

I think this picture is by far the coolest for me. :)

Layan lagu epic ni dulu. :)

Do I Set This Stick Bridge on Fire?

It's like saying, hey I know I hate you and I don't want to see you ever again so I did everything in my power to make sure you're not within my reach of acknowledgement without my consent so I deleted you off from all the reachable social network sites that may have you pop out in the 'newsfeed' or made you easily accessible through its search bar and I think I must've deleted your number and your memory off my mind as well because I forgot that you have a condition that will make you depressed and have this recurring disease to break out when you are at your lowest point because your immune system is weak and you know what I really don't care because you don't matter to me BUT STILL, I want you to know what's up with me so I made sure you can see what is in my mind by having at least one person in our mutual friend list that I know you can rely on to read me and to see that I'm fine without you in my life.

Wow. How twisted is this?

What in the world were you trying to prove? That you are always right? That everything must be in your way? That I cannot have a life? That I shouldn't be happy? That some things can never change and improve? That I suck and you're awesome?

Come on. Life is not about you or me. Think for a moment. Everyone is fighting something. I may not look like I have no problem with whatever, but I'm always fighting. Some are fighting for their dear life, some are fighting for the family, some are fighting for their friendship etc etc. I am fighting as well for some of the reasons above and many more. Why must you make it so difficult by burning the bridge that we so carefully built over the years? Do you really think the foundation is built with only stick and stones? What about the kindness and love cemented through the problems and happiness shared?

While I was driving with my dad, he noticed that the sound of the engine is a bit higher than usual. My dad asked me if I can have an opportunity to ride a friend's myvi sooner or later to compare that sound. Frankly, I said to him, I don't think I'll ever have that opportunity anymore because I don't have a friend who rides a myvi. She's gone, together with him. Him definitely because he literally tried to delete me off. And my dad was surprised. He mentioned something about the financials he had to cover from a former misadventure I had with him which I have long forgotten, and for that, other parts of financial or emotional constraints I had were reminded. It is a mystery why I can accept him as he is after all these times; and all the while I kept myself quiet to keep the peace and yet he couldn't accept me for the way I am. Sigh. What to do, I don't matter anymore.

Even though I am the sacrificial lamb, I want you to be happy and I don't want to hold you back from whatever you're doing. I wish you the best in life for whatever is going to happen. Today is your day. Tomorrow is another day for me to conquer. I will pull myself together.

Before I do this, I apologize for all the wrongdoings, the misconceptions, the backbiting, the gossiping that I may have done intentionally and unintentionally with or without you. So here I am with a lighter in my hand, ready to set this stick bridge on fire... Goodbye friend.

So Here Goes a New Chapter In My Life!

My gap year (which is actually more than one year of gap) from studies is coming to an end. Soon I'll be embarking on a new challenge. This is me against myself - discipline for time management and resisting temptations to stray from my future goal. What this means if in 4 months I can keep up and cope, I'll be up on another plane of existence InsyaAllah!

So, you see, it doesn't mean that when I am deleted from existence, I am wiped out from growing and becoming more than I could. It is unfortunate though, I miss these certain people. :( But hey whatever, I read this from one of the blogs in my list :

"Being dumped is actually the best motivation to help push you to succeed in life"

Nice... It's like he was in my head momentarily when I read that. Thanks! :P

In this 4 months, what else can I do for some pocket money? :)

Shall start looking for a part time job.

All I can say is

:P :P :P :P :P :P

Sometimes narcissism can get out of hand. Anyway, I tried a little bit of something out of the box. Got myself out there in the real world where people actually judge you by how you look, walk, and talk and you know what, it was fun. It was definitely an eye opener and I got a different kind of perspective. I might try again in the future who knows - if I have the time. All I can say is, insyaAllah, in God's will. Amin. :)

Displine

I really need to follow this timetable to make full use of my off days.

9-11 Physics

11-12 Lunch

12-2 Maths

2-3 Research on piloting and aircrafts

3-4 IQ test online

Break!

Soon to add: Mandarin classes

I'm going back to 'school' people! So excited to start tomorrow.

What Goes On Here

A lot of stuff in my head at the moment.

Apart from all of that, I need to write a letter to decline the offer from Cardiff because I can't go there now especially since I don't have the much needed fundings to support myself there. :( Just for good measure, I'll write a thank you note at the end of it for considering me.

It has been a productive day today. :)

Long Way To Go

I'm reminiscing the time when I first saw the Guy. :) He was singing a reggae piece at a mutual friend's barbecue. Funny thing is, I was the keyboardist of the band that time and I didn't even know his name. Haha. My involvement with that side of the circle has benefited me some experience in music, friendship, and brotherhood. I didn't realize that the Guy had his eyes on me long before that barbecue. Added me up on facebook but typically me, decided to ignore people I don't recognize unless their mutual friends are above 10 people. It was only after about 6 months rotting in the long list of friend request that I finally approved of The Guy! Haha.

He was ending a relationship with his long time girlfriend, I was struggling to end a relationship with an emotionally abusive working partner. The timing was perfect, like God has intended each of us to have our hearts broken and toughen up, I decided to break the habit and came open with the concept of nobody's gonna look out for myself but me. Took a leap of faith and I opened up to him as honest as I can be. No more hiding, no more lies. As honest as I am to him, to my surprise and pleasure, he did the same too. He told me of his downfall in the past, revelation and comeback, and we found ourselves pleased to find that we're both looking for the same thing - something solid from the start. And with no masks on, we proceed and pledged to be as we are today.

Even though I wanted to be strongest as I can be, there will always be a soft side in me that can break down when it comes to what really matters. And though I struggle to understand why - besides how he has accepted me as I am - my flaws, my weaknesses, my past - I just love him so and hope for this to go on for a very very very long time. :')

Good night readers!

Alhamdulillah

Our very own homebred Malaysian music. More of this please!

It's So Loud Inside My Head With Words That I Should Have Said

Listen to the lyrics by the rapper.

I wonder how far he can go. Sounds promising, but can he keep up with all the pressure?

A Moment to Ponder

It's hard enough now. Imagine how it'll be like for our kids. Education. Social stigma. Jobs. Back then, the environment teaches the young ones. People help each other, advice when things are not right, support when there is a need for support. Now, the corrupted media confines us in our bedroom. Makes us ever more fearful of everything else outside. The world doesn't revolve in your bedroom or the confinements of your own house. Go out and enjoy the sun, rejoice the beauty God has created for you outside. Perish depression. Back then love makes you uneasy - now love makes you do stupid things. Babies in dumpsters, STDs, HIV, sex slaves, wife beaters - are just a few. Where is your faith in God and your understanding. You are no Muslim/Christian/Jew, you're named like one, but you are not, animals. God save us all.

It's hard enough now. Imagine how it'll be like for our kids. :'(

Moving On To The Next Step

It's those little things that makes you reflect and say "Wow, I've done a lot back then."

I did quite a few odd jobs before I even started thinking of having a career. Along the way I found and grew up to my own way and my own path. My taste in relationships - lovers and friends - have been tried and tested as well throughout the years in my secondary school towards the end of my college years.

With so many misadventures, twists, headaches and heartaches, I found that I had to experience all of that anyway to finally put my feet on the ground and stand up for what is right for myself and the values that can instil more respect, trust and love towards the people I love and towards myself.

My mom pointed out a paragraph in a Yahoo article this morning of one of my favourite female icons, Michelle Obama:

Advice for women on relationships with spouses and with each other: "Do not bring people in your life who weigh you down. And trust your instincts ... good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don't hurt. They're not painful. That's not just with somebody you want to marry, but it's with the friends that you choose. It's with the people you surround yourselves with. And that's just as important as the school that you choose. Who's in your life, and do you respect them, and do they respect you? And are you respecting them. Right?

"And we as women in particular—and this is such an important message—starting today, you all have to be supportive of each other. You can't be jealous, and push and trip, you know? It's hard enough."

And I couldn't agree more. For the past few years, my influence towards the people I know differ very much from one another - you'll never really know a person until you live with them and go through the hunger, the lack of sleep and the dirt together. What I thought as a sign of respect, ended up as a fuel for some unknown hate and anger; but for others, it feels nice to see each other after a long break. You see things like this happens in life and fortunately, it's not the end of my life.

Letting it go bit by bit. Occasional tears might well up but at the end of it, I've had pretty good times indeed.

Thriving to be different and to start moving on, I think this time around I'm making one of those choices that will change my life forever - and I'm ready to commit to that.

I'd rather be ridiculously impossible anyways.

Ever tried Googling your name with quotes on? You'd be surprised. ;)

My mum always say never put stuff online especially when you have bad things to say about someone/something. Why? Because putting quotes on restricts google results to only that particular phrase and not those words separately. I mention this because I found some entries about me in the past that I didn't know of. Somewhat unpleasant, and not really nice to know of, but I realize I was a prick, sorry about that - I was growing up and still very immature. That is why I am eternally grateful to have you guys accept me again - with a respectful distance that I like. :)

So my advice is, never put your full name or anybody's full name! Unless you want that person to be forever stamped within the spiders in the world wide web as the evil bad witch you write about, then I rest my case.

And of course, because I love journalling and writing down things when I don't have people to talk to - equivalent to a crazy lady monologuing, that is why I update my Twitter a bit too much to the point that I don't need Facebook.

Sometimes there is a little privacy breach going on there that can affect my relationship with people I care about. Sometimes, looking at pictures of my friends can make me smile, but sometimes, it takes away a little bit of happiness because I wasn't around :(

So the end result is - deactivation. Saves the trouble. If I miss them, I'll text/call/read about them in their personal blog - back to basics!

It's a little bit funny. This feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide - Elton John

Much like an antidote for depression and loneliness, and severe detachment from the social world in real life, this blogging and tweeting habit. What happens next? I have no idea. I tried Experience Project for a while last year, didn't make it quite a habit because there I find many online friends, but not friends I have personally met.

So here we go. Life goes on. :)

Atah's Secret Garden

I like this flower particularly because of the little flower bud next to that blooming flower. So pretty. And it doesn't take much to look so pretty.

There are times in high school where I believed that there were fairies in the garden, and little pixies dancing and hopping on the pebble stones.

I believe this is my grandma's mantra for keeping up with the garden 24/7. Some people drink, some people go to the gym, some people smoke, my grandma takes up gardening to release tension.

There are so many antiques and trinkets, my sister says the garden is like our personal Disneyland. You will always be pleasantly surprised with the little rabbits, snails, and birds hidden somewhere in between the containers.

Meet Phoebe, the opportunistic feline of the house, just waiting for that one moment you glance away from the opened door to bolt out and enjoy the outdoors.

Those Sharks should be Left Starving Out There! Arrr!

I did put on a little weight. So what did I do? I've been at home, eating, resting, recuperating, loving, sleeping, and also, I've been working of course. Time is not to be wasted on the unknown. You can get your head crazy thinking of all of the 'what ifs' questions.

I've been scouting around for paths to take. What should I take, should I continue management studies, should I take on a new subject - engineering or IT perhaps, or should I create an analysis of the current market trends against my wants and needs. It all comes down to this: money - fun - compliance towards religion - life partner - family - money. Notice money is mentioned twice? For now, it is still up for debate. Maybe I might try to apply for cadet, and work my way to settle one thing at a time. With money, I can get what I want easier. That's the only thing bothering me now. I can't help others when I can't help myself. Not that that's all I'm thinking now, but it helps. Been spoilt with having enough, I'd like to have enough for myself as well and return what was given to me by my parents one day. :)

And with him around, things never get old. :D

The car is still in the workshop. That ignorant juvenile with no driving license smashed my bonnet, bumpers and left door. Useless foreman didn't do much of anything but dragged me into that workshop and gave empty promises. Lesson of this accident - never trust those foreman sharks just waiting to get their hands on car accidents. They're only there to drag you into their workshop, get their commission and poof, disappear when there's insurance claims problems. So inconvenient.

Soon I will get back to college and settle that 1.5 years old problem - I still haven't gotten my certificate! Damn it I hate it when I have to travel all the way there! >:(

Wish me luck.

Loves.

I Speak On Behalf of My Comrades

From: <complaintlogs3@gmail.com>;
Date: Wed, May 18, 2011 at 12:43 PM
Subject: Reference No: 20110518C11153 - Feedback ON MANAGEMENT - xxxxxx (IC No. :xxxxxxxxx) - xxxxxxx
To: janetwooi@legendagroup.edu.my, xxxxxxx@gmail.com


Dear xxxxxx,

Thank you for submitting your feedback to Legenda Education Group

Reference No : 20110518C11153
Description : To whoever who is holding back my HND Business Certificate,

I am a January 2010 graduate and I still have not received my HND Business certificate.

MARA has recently mailed me the first late payment notice on my doorstep earlier this month. Eventhough I have made the initiative to have my transcript and letter of completed studies certified true by a high ranking government officer, I still couldn''t manage to get MARA to release my loan to convert to scholarship.

I have earned an exemplary 3.88 CGPA and also one of your Outstanding Student (as mentioned in the HND convocation announcement in 2010) which should allow me to convert my MARA loan to scholarship, but could not do so because of the HND certificate that is still held back.

Formerly I would prefer to call and go all the way to the HEP office to file a complaint and request for assistance in this matter but it seems that my matter has fallen on some deaf ears because I have not filed a proper black and white complaint.

As the college has helped progress my education in the past years, I wish that this matter does not change my good feelings towards the college to merely lukewarm.

Please relieve this humble request yet again to release my certificate soonest possible so that I can further my scholarly journey with a peace of mind.

Thank you in advance.



Preferable Time to Rectify.. 1. , 2. ,
We will get back to you as soon as possible. When the representative updates your case online, you will receive email notification that includes a hyperlink to your case so that you can view this update at your convenience. You may also check the progress base on the Reference No in this URL:http://fits.legenda2u.my/complaintStatus_search.aspx

Your case will be handled by janetwooi@legendagroup.edu.my,drkamis@legendagroup.edu.my,shum@legendagroup.edu.my

Best regards,

The Online Feedback Team

Note: So far, no updates yet.

The Fine Line Between These Two Worlds

I woke up today with the melodic voice of the Bilal who calls for Zuhr prayer. Missed yet another Subuh prayer. Bad habits die hard.

I see what is going on right now. The process of simplifying one's life is to remove problems from recurring. The easiest way to do that is to have spring cleaning of your life - remove bad relationship, remove pricks and thorns of a relationship, remove the whole person altogether.

I am very sorry for being a bad friend - what it means to me is beyond me because if you are friend, you are a friend - there is no good or bad, you are friend because I like you and you like me and that's all it is. Pretty simple and innocent but that is how I simplify things in my life.

Recently I talked to my favourite guy about this, and he said why do I always say all the nice things about her to him and not to her. Well, it's an instant reaction of the situation. It's a bad habit of mine to retaliate and fight back when something is hurting me. I told him that I felt like losing a sister, a mother, a child. What it means to me is that this lost, this anger and hurt that I portray lately, is part of my grieving process to accept and forgive that she chooses to no longer have me in her life - to completely delete me off and pretend that I never exists.

I may look like a cold hearted person with no feelings and emotions, but when I get attacked like this, I breakdown and looked for all of the reasons for this to happen. And finally I found it. It has been my fault - from the start, it has always been my fault. I simplify things too much that I overlooked the errors of my ways. If I needed someone, I looked for her because I know she will be there for me - that is how she expects me to reciprocate? But if she needed me, where was I? How was I to know if she needed me if I wasn't always around? How was I to ever know when I am replaced anyways? The gaps were not filled but that doesn't mean I didn't care. No this is not a pointing blame game. I've had enough of all that recently. You made your choice and you stuck to it and I respect that.

It was a total meltdown last night, which I promised to myself will be the last that I'd do for her. I will look at the brighter side of my life - the other sisters, mothers and innocent children in others who are willing to accept me for who I am, despite my flaw of not being a good friend - which is also beyond my life dictionary.

This is all, I love you still, and I will forever remember and cherish the good memories we had. I am sorry I cannot change my flaw. Thank you for putting up with me all this while.

You Can Hit It In The Morning

I swear, these boots are the most comfortable. Worth every hard-earned penny. I feel like going some place faraway to get away from this superficial society. Running away is not the answer though. Will need to be firm and keep myself from being too friendly with trolls.



And who else would want to go through everything with me? We just got into an accident recently. Settled it together like a pro. Dad's not furious. Just worried. He asked us both to eat dinner at home together. How sweet is that? :D Looks like the family is getting accustomed to this guy's presence in my life. Yay!

No those are not stuff i just got. those are junk that i need to throw out to make space for the new stuff! :D Sure we always think that some things hold sentimental value, and that is why we hoard things. But if we hold on to the past, how are we ever going to grow and make some room for the new? Some things need time to process. Please respect that.

Previously in ...[insert your favourite chill out place]....

Haha! I am very very much a social retard I have to google and lookup whether I was having a friendly banter or an argument. I think it was an argument. But nahh, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

To those who are curious enough (including myself) I am going to write about what I've been up to these days. I will feel at ease when I jot these things down. And when I'm calmed and relaxed, spotting opportunities to improve myself is not a very difficult thing to do.

I graduated on January 2010, gotten myself placings in few notable universities in Melbourne and Cardiff, but because of financial constraints and my curiosity to experience the working life, I let go of the placings and started working at few different places - each with different skills and knowledge set to learn.

I learnt that there are many business opportunities available. But they might not be a thing for me because I am very much raw and lacklustre of personality. I realize, being self-conscious like I usually am, that I can't really blend in with the crowd because my interests doesn't really set with the majority of people. So instead of pretending to be someone I'm not, I prefer to just sit back, relax at home and enjoy the company of people who really knows and appreciates me well.

I also learnt how to hastily sponge in new information and apply it in my work to create a masterpiece. Imagine someone with no IT background (you can count editing html or codings in Myspace out) like me to create:

1. A soundtrack for cheerleading with sound effects and nice blending of different songs (like remix songs) with a program called WaveEditor for a PR and consulation company
2. Presentation slides that impress audience and potential clients using SlideMaster and modification of SmartArt and many other attractive details
3. Excel sheet with functions that are smart enough to calculate and analyze complex information as the clients want them to with convincing bars and charts as well
4. And most recently and still ongoing, a pilot database for a private airline with complex VBA codings and macros that runs like a final year project of an Information System and Computer Applications student - according to my colleagues with IT diploma - in 3 months

All of that in almost 1.5 years. I learnt a lot. Alhamdulillah.

If I don't work, I think I'll end up depressed because of

• no money
• no challenge
• feeling of uselessness

Apart from that, I learnt soft skills such as time management. Seriously! How else would you explain to me why I don't spend time (as much as I used to back in the days) anymore to lepak at mamaks? To do all of what I love to do and still go lepak is stretching my energy too far. And the work that I usually do requires my brain to have sufficient rest to avoid brain drain and sudden stop of enthusiasm. So what do I do with my time then? I work, play music, hang with loved ones and spend time on my own - sleeping, grooming, eating etc.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

After writing all that down, I feel more at ease now and I know what to do next. I need to get some sleep and prepare myself for another adventure tomorrow with my favourite guy. Everything seems to be looking up lately. Unsure whether the stumbles that just happened recently will subside but will keep a positive hope that whatever happens is for a reason. You just have to have faith that Allah is there to guide you and keep asking for it. Say your prayers, keep your cool, and appreciate. Amin.

Till next time. Much love.

Your Birthday This Year Is Coming

May comes too soon. Suddenly it has been 5 months since the breakup. There wasn't anything defined, but the breakup was definitely defined. Do I feel angry and sad about it? I did. But sometime in the future I know I'll peek at the past and will laugh about it. For now, it has been a lesson learned and I'm still taken aback with the whole transition.

What triggered me to write all that was a certain email from a fling in the past. Not sure what his intention was - purely work or there's something behind the whole proposal. Will keep a positive mind to it. Who knows, I might get something good out of this opportunity.

Alhamdulillah

Have you ever felt so free and liberated after finally finding that perfect someone who clicks. Like the whole package of a person just fits into your criteria. That feeling of finally having someone who you can be yourself with? This feeling, it's somewhat like an emancipation of some sort. Whereby I was once a slave, in disguised of all the pretty and expensive gifts, but thanks to a glitch in the almost perfectly calculated plan of the megalomaniac (which I really have to thank Allah for letting me see what I wasn't supposed to see), I got myself experimenting and water testing and here I am, emancipated and hooked to the idea of being with this very person, this underdog, this dark horse, this who-would-have-thought-she'll-be-with-this-guy?-kinda person. He helps to elevate me from blind to enlightenment - spiritually, emotionally and psychologically.

I'm not saying we never had our fights, we do fight and it's always because of the past. But then again, without the past, we can never be where we are now. We learnt a hell lot from them. Just need to be grateful. Even though I carry these scars with me till I die, the scars are there for a reason. I get to be more attentive to my own body's needs for healthy diet, exercise and hygiene, spend more time with loved ones, have time for self-development and learning new things. How I love doing the things I love - see places, play music, know people, be myself.

I appreciate and am very grateful to have these handful of friends and a companion to go through all the hardship and pain besides the neverending fun and laughter in life, and a family who supports and love me unconditionally even though I am in between jobs for more than a year. Thank you Allah. Alhamdulillah.

Next I will wait for UM to reply with positivity on my application. I have a feeling I will have to postpone my dream to study overseas because of the financial constraints that I am currently facing. No scholarships = no overseas. But that is alright. More time for me at home~ :)

Been a while since I blog after the scrapbook I made. :)

You'll hear from me in another month silent readers. :)

This Time

I choose right. Not left. Not gray. Not in the middle. Nope, been there, done that. I choose the good side.

Get Your Facts Right

Everything changed that day. I brokedown, I made a leap of faith and opened up. I know what I said also involves others but to have it kept inside me for almost a year with no moral support is exhausting. There aren't any recurring breakdown of the situation anymore lately, but it helps if the people I shared my worries with actually took some time to understand before they come out with assumptions. There were many instances that I kept myself quiet about, only to find myself typing this out through my Blackberry because of the lack of girlfriend I could talk to. So lesson learned, majority of the people you share your stories with don't give a shit because they don't know what you've been through to get where you are right now. Only a minority understands and have some compassion before they blurt out their half-done facts.

I can't wait for the weekend.

Note To Self

If you don't have supporters from your hometown, cast the net wider and you'll be sure to find that you're not alone all along. The best support you can ever get is from you yourself. Peace! \m/

Abigail Williams - "Into the Ashes" Candlelight Records

You

We did challenges after challenges

We defined this into something

We create memories

We painted old ones into new ones

Please dear self

Never suppress the old ones, reminisce but not too much

And I am sorry that you are in white and end with tears to someone who used to be special

But you are very much alive to me

So here it is

It's a long journey for us

Godspeed!

Here's A Toast

for a humble beginning of our story.

A Closure And A Beginning

I have hoped for the wrong person to be the light at the end of the tunnel. The result for that one is utter mess and absolute disappointment. I've been cheated and lied to for such a long time, that when the time needs me to believe, I cannot make myself to believe anymore.

I believe that every person who comes into the picture in our life is to teach us a lesson. And a damn good lesson it has been with him. I know it's easier to see what other people should learn, so here is what I think. I hope he learns that love cannot be bought with gifts and money. I hope he learns that even though he has the money and charisma to make money, if you deny and ignore the loving a woman deserves, you won't get to keep her because you're not treating her right from the start.

I think it was a big blow for him to be rejected and defeated to a younger stud. I am sorry, but things just cannot work out anymore. I am now ready to let the company go, and let all of the effort I have put in slide into the drain. I did try to keep things professional, as it should be from the start. But that still makes him unhappy, so I hereby resolve that it was a lesson learned, and I shall walk away. Deleted his contact information by accident, but it is alright, it is about time. Starting my life back from scratch, with the help from Mr. A. :)

And so far, I'm enjoying every bit of it. Alhamdulillah.

Disappointed

Men in my life are, in general, a disappointment and/or a failure. So I don't put so much expectations on them. Better for me to do my own thing and forget about everything else while I'm in this foul mood. Who likes waking up in the morning listening/hearing someone shouting at you and making accusations about your habits? Like as if you know my every move, my every step. Don't assume the effort someone takes because you'll never know the hardship she has to go through to get to where she is right now.

You Are A Keeper

Women, I read somewhere, learn to believe their guts and instincts even more as they grow older. So for this one, I believe I am making the right choice. I will always treasure what has been taught, the lessons and the discomfort I had to go through to get to the end. If it wasn't for that, I would've known exactly what I want. It's easier to know what you don't want because next time, you know exactly what to avoid. :) Whatever it is, I hope everything goes well on the other end. I pray for happiness for myself and everyone else close to me in the past and in the future. Amin.

Reminder To Myself

I got an email and a text saying that there's something that I should know. And supposedly today's the big day for the best thing I'll ever hear. Well you know what, bak datang!!! I know he's just trying to scare me, but I'll remember to be the better person and strong. If you love someone so much, you shouldn't scare her away like this. Epic fail.

Goodbye Jahilliah

"They wondered why beauty was not married to beauty, and they began to mix with each other, and before unlawful copulation began to be practised there arose great confusion and trouble in the land." - from the Lore of Light Volume 1.

Now I understand.

Mr A.

I Decided That This Is Going To Be Good

Insanity is when you do the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. I will not fall into the abyss of blind love and loyalty if the feeling is not mutual. I have been patient enough but there are times that I need to think for myself and be selfish. This time I have made my choice. The leading man has to know how to lead and know how to make me stay. Like I always tell myself and my girlfriends, "kita ni bunga, kumbang ada banyak. they'll come and they'll go. but we'll just stay stationary, sebab kita ni bunga." And I think I've found my kumbang. :)

All That Has Passed

Goodbye.

Let Me Go

As the violins murmur in deep tranquility, neurons of thoughts and decision making ignited like sparks; weighing in past events, defining terms, analyzing pros and cons, forecasting compatibility with current facts and cementing thoughts into action. A thought is just a thought, but when you act it out, that is how you are made. Yes I observed and I see that this vicious pattern has to stop, and the only catalyst for it must come from someone, and if you can't see that, I'll lead.

Tell me. Who else is a better fit to lead your life than you yourself?

Cold

Heartache

You Have Decisions To Make

Instead of listening to me, please listen to what you're saying. You undermine me and make me feel small all the time. All the time, I'm serious. I don't fit well in such a condition that makes me feel small, useless and redundant. If my help is not needed, don't ask for it in the first place if you're just going to make me feel useless. I don't feel like I am respected and appreciated. Everything I do is completely mediocre for you. I tried my best. I pushed hard and as far as I could, and it's still not enough.

Without black and white, I will not work for/with you like this. Good luck finding another me for replacement.

Our 2nd Last Event with This Particular One

The event was discussed months before. Action plan is initiated two weeks before the show. Albeit the firm blueprint, nothing is really confirmed yet because of the incompetence of The One Who Pulls The Strings Of Us Puppets.

Naturally, as an independent entity, we refused to let go of our principles. We have our separate clients from the main organizer. We have our own plans in the future, not relating to this particular event provider.

In this particular project, we have three parties the operations manager have to take care of - the organizers, the team member and our clients. Satisfying all needs skill which can only be earned through experience. I am glad that I have a competent teammate throughout the whole grueling process of battling personal profit for the big picture.

At the end of the day, we need everyone to feel a sense of accomplishment and enjoy the fruits of their labor. And we did, Alhamdulillah, we did excellently guys! Let's reach out for a more efficient operations in future events. Amin!

Two-Way to One-Way

Ego and pride is eating my heart bit by bit.

Slowly the brain picks up those hidden cryptic message into hard facts.

Rock hard facts such as the following.

I'm young and society hates high achievers who make it big too early. Fact.

Those who are older only talk and they don't listen to their underlings. Fact.

Low morale equals to low performance which leads to unsatisfactory results. Fact.

A human being can only take so much rejection and neglection and my tolerance bar is almost tipping off its boiling point. Fact.

So what do I do now...

That Vacant Sign Will Turn To Occupied

Aspirations. It is a dreadful topic to talk about. Conversations with the small circle led me to believe that my aspiration has never been to find The One, but more prominently, is to find inner happiness, peace and wealth of knowledge and luxury. I believe that when it is time to happen, it will happen eventually. For now the inevitable will cause a wave of disturbances like a high-pitch ringing in your ear you can't scratch out of your head. This emptiness needs to be filled up. And it shall.

Life. What is it without the dramas?

Turning 21 Very Soon

Dear God, keep me sane.

Migraine

What if this is all happening to me because I am doomed to be alone forever? Oh no no no no nooooo...must not think like this. This is poison-thinking! Too much drama and already it is only the third day of the year.

2010

There were issues of religion, self identity crisis, priorities orientation, "monkey sphere" alignments but it was all good and good for the grace of God. Happy New Year everyone! God bless.